I’ve always given in to the pleasure of a fantasy.

I have a very active, creative and colorful imagination. Some of the best things in my life actually never happened lol, they happened in dreams at night or fantasies I became so good at, life couldn’t match them. This has brought me to believe two things:

Either I had to learn to suppress desire and therefore fantasizing about it, because reality could never match my expectation, or I had to learn to allow myself the pleasure of a fantasy, without attachment to the outcome, giving room for life to surprise me instead.

The latter is obviously more tempting, but is it even attainable?

When I was little, maybe around 14 years old, I remember being in my room looking at all the magazine scraps I attached on the wall, telling myself “I won’t become like them. I’ll keep my lightness, my fun around life, this magic I feel now, I won’t lose it. I won’t worry constantly, do the mistakes they do, I won’t be like them”. “Them” were the adults. I had such a vivid, conscious thought around not losing life’s spark, something I must have noticed spending time around adults. I think a lot of that spark resides in my ability to imagine, fantasize and find a sense of aliveness and happiness in it.

Obviously, little me didn’t know that life can get challenging, testing us, and many people lose their spark out of hardship. But I also believe we are co creators of our life, fate comes to match what we’re bringing forth. We can keep that spark alive if we want to.

I try to keep one foot on the ground and one in the sky. That must be why I’m an Aquarius, after all… but letting myself feel excitement, dream, fantasize, desire is something I won’t let go of, because is like salt to my food (the desire I speak of can be anything from a dreamy travel location, a sexy adventure, a love story, a wild opportunity, becoming wealthy and famous, anything really that can excite you).

In the past, many fantasies turned into complete disappointments. Why? I believe this happens when we become so emotionally attached, utterly invested in the outcome and rigid with expectations, that if things don’t happen how we imagined, we crash. We let our happiness depend on it and we lose ourselves (that foot on the ground, checking in with reality… well, is nowhere to be found). Many of us, after experiencing that, shrink. We close off, stop wanting, dream smaller, act like we “don’t care”… became bitter, angry or feel unworthy.

I think this isn’t the solution to avoid disappointments. I think you can still embrace how it feels to desire something, to fantasize, to be moved by a dream, to be inspired by it, to feel alive by the wanting. At the same time, you can be okay if it doesn’t turn into what you hoped for, knowing you’re already happy here, now, with what you have (wanting isn’t necessarily the same as needing). And that’s how I’ve been feeling for some time. I don’t depend on the realization of my desires (took me a while to get here), I’d love for them to happen, but I’m also at peace regardless, because I’ve created enough joy and happiness in my life that everything else feels like a bonus (the life I live today was once a dream itself). I enjoy what I do, what I’m working towards daily, I feel satisfied instead of feeling like something is lacking, therefore a dream or a fantasy never gets out of hand.There is a sense of being grounded, yet free to imagine and entertain different possibilities. After all, I kept my promise: I am one of them, but maybe not like all of them. The spark is still there.

I also learned that it’s not true that life can’t match my imagination, like I said at the beginning of this post. Life has a way bigger imagination than me, actually. The times I didn’t get what I wished for, I did feel sad for some time, but then in hindsight I understood I got some needed lesson or… not getting what I wanted paved the way for something even greater to find me.

Wanting is a way to feel alive.