Thoughts on a late night… sometimes being here is like writing on my diary.

I feel to a degree, I’ve been a people pleaser all my life. Approval and appreciation of others would be put highly above my own needs and wants. When pushed to a point I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d react in extreme ways, frustration, anger and resentment would come out strong. I feel I always had a hard time to speak up, and I’d hide or stay silent.

As a protective mechanism, I spent a lot of time alone. Alone time would give me the opportunity to recharge and reconnect again with the outside world. Like everyone, I wanted to be liked and accepted, but somehow I always felt that meant fitting in the version others had of you or wanted from you.

A few months ago I wrote a newsletter in which I was describing a Saturday afternoon where I felt pretty sad, for no specific reason. I worked my way out of it and promised myself, from that day on, I would have prioritized only what felt good. Good feeling thoughts, good feeling activities, good feeling actions. Aligned to my uttermost goal: to feel good and create life from that place. I wasn’t gonna waste another day in existential sadness. Or at least I would try not to, and bring myself back consciously.

It’s been almost 2 months since that day, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

One amazing thing that I realized I needed badly was… I didn’t want anybody to expect anything from me. I didn’t want to excuse any of my choices or behaviors. If I didn’t want to do something, I just would not do it. That has been the hardest thing ever, to not explain and say no. To not feel I should do something because someone expect me to. If I’m tired I’m tired. If I’m occupied I’m occupied. If I don’t want I don’t want.

My life, my time. Yes it’s egoistic, self centered and inward thinking. But this is what I need to do now, to learn to lean daily toward what feels good to me, what to focus on, what thoughts to pick rather than go autopilot. I need a lot of self care and time for this, because staying consistently on the “feeling good slack line” is work. Nothing is more important than to feel good. To follow the better feeling when there isn’t a good one. Especially when you have given fully, totally, above and beyond in the past and just lost yourself doing that, depleting every resource.

Happiness requires some selfishness and “self centered-ness”. And then from that place you give, happily and abundantly. You can’t give shit, otherwise.

Don’t feel sorry. Feel sorry if you choose everything and everyone BUT yourself. People pleasing isn’t even just about people. It’s what society expect you to be, and look, and do. It’s EXHAUSTING.

None of that. FOLLOW WHAT RESONATE, what aligns with your soul, what truly feels good, joyful. Whatever it is. Tell no one and go for it.