The other day I was explaining to a friend why I feel uncomfortable around knives, and weapons in general. I’d never want to own a gun, and even when I’m in the kitchen I use the same few knives I had for a while, not particularly sharp at this point, but I don’t mind. I don’t like being around things that can hurt, even scissors if you ask me. You could think well, even a chair can hurt. But I’m talking about objects that can hurt oneself and others in a split second.

So I was telling my friend that knives scare me because I think that the only thing that separate me from severely hurting myself or others is one small action, a small mental decision, with the power of irreparable damage. Thankfully we have moral codes and know “right from wrong”, but on a mental level, it’s just a decision, a thought.

Don’t think I’m crazy or that I ever thought about hurting myself physically, but when I really sit down with myself, I realized I have chosen over and over to hurt myself mentally, with thoughts that sabotage me, to the point they are so subtle, so undetectable, so unconscious; a bad habit born out of a need for control, protection, fear or simply not believing I’m worthy of good things. I can pick worst case scenarios, imagine sad turn of events, improbable situations, things that feed into my anxiety, to give it a reason to be. I also can become extremely superstitious or feel the need to do something for something else not to happen. Those are to me “knife thoughts”. The mind can hurt you as your hand and a knife can.

The more aware I become the more loving I also become. I can catch knife thoughts early on now, more frequently, before they spin out of control. I can think what I want, not what I’m used to. It’s kinda weird because all of a sudden the chatter in your head is interrupted by a supervisor that says “Ok enough, let’s consider another scenario or none at all”. I can choose not to believe every thought that forms and let it go like a cloud in the sky. I can practice not thinking (an empty mind is a lifelong goal).

I always think there is a certain darkness within us, that is only dissolved by bringing light and awareness to it. There is no fighting to do: light dissolves darkness. So I do all these practices just to stay aware and brighten up all the dark places my mind goes to.

My darkness has transformed greatly throughout the years. I found that at the core I always had creative and passionate energy, that turned obsessive and compulsive by my mind. It was trapped love, it was a river of spring water that got poisoned. What I was able to do is restore its purity, with awareness and patience.

So I know to grab a knife and stab yourself is highly unlikely (thankfully), but next time you’re beating yourself down, stop for a moment. Try and look at your thoughts. Are they knife thoughts? Or are they pillow thoughts, supportive and compassionate?

Self care has a lot of forms, one of my favorites is caring for better thoughts. More positive, inspiring, loving, full of trust thoughts. I don’t want to give my mind free agency all times. I don’t want to just get to negative conclusions, to worst case scenarios, to fearful thoughts, even when I am given reasons for it. Go beyond what you see (if that’s not trust I don’t know what is). These thoughts don’t prepare you for anything but ruin your Now.

I’ll finish this post with a quote from the Bible I randomly found and loved. It’s about trust in something bigger than you (you can call it Lord, Universe, Source, Higher Self, Infinte intelligence – these are just names, like signposts).

“Trust the Lord with all your heart,

Lean not onto your understandings”.

To apply to this post, I’ll write it as:

Trust into all possibilities,

Do not lean into the products of the habitual mind”.

I still rather stay away from knifes…