This is something that has been brewing in me for a long time now. Recently, I looked back into when I started using social media. It was 2008 when I first opened a Facebook account, so I’ve been on social media for 16 years, 11 of these on Instagram.

Originally, I was using Facebook only on my laptop. It became a fun way to stay connected to friends and family, meet new people and join communities. I didn’t have it on my phone and I wasn’t on it that much. I don’t think FB ever felt very addicting for some reason, it had its purpose, nothing less, nothing more.

When IG came around, I didn’t think much of it either. I’d post quite random photos, it was definitely more about showing what you were doing through pictures, it was cutting the chatting happening on FB, it was more of a way to display yourself and your life. It felt pretty harmless. I don’t recall exactly why, but I’d bet because I had the app on my phone this time, It became a bit more addictive, it was that time were apps were really growing popularity and so I believe it was more available and easier to access it this way. It didn’t take long for IG to surpass FB in term of how much more “fun”, new and visually stimulating it felt. I remember naturally shifting to IG and leaving FB behind. I still didn’t think IG was a real problem, it was a way to share my flexibility progress mostly, some pictures of me at a Vegas pool party here and there or something funny and spontaneous I’d come up with. I still remember the “set photo filters” IG had, and that was it. There wasn’t a video feature, there was no pressure on having a lot of followers as a form of “accomplishment” or “clout”, there weren’t “Stories”. It had little power over me.

I recall things started changing when IG took the “Story feature” from Snapchat (which I also started using somewhere around the time IG was growing more popular, but Snapchat was winning at the time and FB was fading away, especially with us “Millennials”). Something happened around that time, and the added feature was a huge turning point for IG, which quickly gained a ton of momentum and started becoming the #1 app. So what fucked things up was that if we used FB for one thing (community) and IG for another thing (displaying our life through pictures), and Snapchat for another thing (quick videos/pics of daily life, with a 24h expiration), now we had one app (IG) taking over them all, adding a lot more features and (who builds these apps know it well) creating a way to get people to stick on their phone longer and more frequently. The hits of dopamine (the “feel good” hormone released by the brain’s reward system) were curated carefully, it’s not a case these apps are called “habit forming”: their success is based on how long they can keep you on your phone. You feel you’re not paying them, they’re “free”, but you are in fact paying with your most precious asset: your attention (and time).

I have tried many times to break the habit of checking IG multiple times a day. I can honestly say, for a person like me, with a great sense of discipline and willpower, I have not been able to reach a balance with using the app in a healthy way. I hid the app from my home screen, to then become very efficient into pulling it back with a quick “search” on the home screen’s top tab. I put a limit on it, to then exceed it daily. I took a few days off, deleted it from my phone, to then get back on it like nothing happened. So now I’m left with one big question: is removing it from my life the only action left to take? This relationship has gotten toxic.

The thought of quitting comes with mixed feelings. The first feeling is RELIEF. It feels like the right thing to do. I do know for a fact that if I want to level up, to reach the next chapter I foresee in my life, social media gotta be minimal, or go altogether. I don’t see how this app will ever be LESS addicting, if anything it will only be more so. I don’t even wanna imagine what it means to be on Tik Tok, I never wanted to have it and thankfully I didn’t . The future me isn’t controlled by apps. FOMO or not, I rather “miss out” (on what specifically, I’ don’t even know), be ONLINE HERE, and OFFLINE THERE.

The other feeling I feel is FEAR. First off, I built a business off social media and don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for it. I have had a long run of good times on social media, I truly made new friends and met new clients, loyal clients, connected with people I wouldn’t have otherwise. It has been a positive experience, for a while. I felt inspired, creative, motivated by being online, many times. I laughed at fun shit, I kept in touch with friends, saw their life unfolding, and most of all I saw my business growing into my full time job, with the help of social media. So I do have a lot to celebrate looking back. Now, it just doesn’t feel like it used to. This relationship is strained, outdated.

I have lost touch with myself with this app. I witness it changing me. I witness it making me choose activities for the “sake of posting”, sometimes to the length of where I’d travel even, thinking of the pictures I’d take. Is it necessarily bad? No, it can still feel positive, inspiring, fun: but to me, most of the times now, feels quite the opposite. Is it another phase against social media, that I’ll shake off? I don’t know. My awareness has sent an alarm bell off though. I feel I’m being unconsciously controlled and silently shaped in ways I haven’t given permission to. I have felt a surge in my anxiety, in comparing myself, in feeling inadequate. It has damaged my capacity to pay attention and to be present, to tend to long term projects, reading, painting, things I used to love. It has diluted social interactions, if I meet someone, I’m repulsed by the question “What’s your IG?”: Why, so we’ll never talk again but I’ll see you watching my Stories?

I don’t know how to tolerate boredom, and find myself often staring at this app, looking for God knows what relief, because even waiting for the elevator, or be in line at the cashier is “unbearable” now.

“It feels relaxing”, “I work with it though”, “I need it for my business”. These statements are true to a degree, but they only deepened this addiction. Do I need it for my business? It definitely helps. Do I need to be on it 2345 times a day? No.

I don’t know if it even aligns with my business anymore, because I’m an advocate for mental health, and staying on it feels like being a dentist in a candy store.

As I got to care better about my health, physically, spiritually, mentally, I found this to be a hurdle I can’t avoid anymore. Even in my journal, this is a topic that would come up recurrently, “I gotta manage IG better”. Social media isn’t good for my mental health, that’s it. I don’t support what it’s doing to us as a society. Everyone is on their goddamn phone.

The other day I was paddle boarding on a beautiful afternoon, in the bay that connect Miami with Miami Beach. I saw a big ass boat cruising by, music was playing, sunset on the back to frame the stunning downtown’s skyline, a light breeze, the clear water around, the palms gently dancing, villas and mansions to take a peek at, the birds and… people on the boat, on their phone. What the fuck happened to us, is anyone seeing this?

I honestly don’t even know how to go about it. I’m afraid I’ll feel left out, hurt my business, I wont be able to completely quit it or my mind somehow will revert back to just accepting “this is part of life now” or “it’s not that bad”. Something deep down is telling me it’s the right thing to pull away, even though it’s unclear what’s on the other side.

I’m not trying to disappear from the world of technology. I still think technology is needed and it’s great. I’m just not ok to be used and controlled by it. I’m not ok basing my sense of worth on how many followers I have, or the worth of others; on how many likes I get, how many men I’m interested in “heart” my Stories. IG is slowly changing me, what I value, how I see life, what I do, why I do it, it’s not on my terms, it’s on the app terms. I’m not ok to see women being sexualized, younger and younger, pressured into growing up so fast. It’s quite disgusting. Less clothes more likes. Why not, get an Only Fans. Nothing is yours anymore. You’re giving it all away, your body, attention, thoughts, sense of self, time. Data to be collected. God forbid you do actually say something not in line with what’s “acceptable” or go against the “Community guidelines”. Banned, canceled, gone. Play by the rules or gtfo.

I was looking at a reality TV show the other day thinking, look at people when they don’t have their phone. How much more they talk, engage and all. It’s quite amusing if you ask me.

I definitely enjoy creating and editing content online and for that reason I’m choosing to slowly make my comeback on YouTube (and here), making sure I don’t just “jump ship” lol. I’ m open to see how it’ll work out for me. All I want is to work with a platform that rewards me for my content (monetization) and doesn’t make me a victim of its – impossible to decipher – algorithm, enslaving me to figure shit out over and over, getting nowhere after I think I just got somewhere. I’m giving myself some time to plan this move out, and I still have many questions about how to go about it.

I know I attached a lot of meaning to social media, a sense of companionship even. But looking at strangers fighting for a bit of my attention and vice versa isn’t what I’m about. It’s rarely genuine interactions. DMs is mostly reels I don’t wanna watch, messages from fake accounts, time wasting reaction emojis, …the occasional client question (phew).

Life has a bigger meaning and I lost some of it along the way. Imagine practicing something, learning a new language, dancing for yourself, and not caring just to get these 15-30 seconds right to post. That teaches you your whole life is performative, externally dependent, your flow doesn’t matter (long is boring), posting for bursts of attention is above all that (I do love to perform for a live audience).

Imagine going out without your phone or needing to take a picture of the sunset, but enjoying it for yourself. Imagine connecting more in person (remember getting to know someone instead of dissecting their IG?). Looking around instead on your screen, see others, be seen, talk. The best times of my life weren’t recorded on my phone. These apps are making us more self absorbed and alone than ever, yet I’m afraid I’ll feel alone without it. What a mind fuck.

I’m guilty of having spent hours rewatching my own Stories, just thinking how well they must have been perceived. It felt so GOOD, but still, could I get my validation some other way? What would I do with all the new found time?

I know it’s gonna be a process, as I’m not planning to quit cold turkey. I have great content on there that I’m not just deleting. But this change is coming and is closer than ever. I will keep you posted. I’m afraid yes, but I’m also very excited to see what’s on the other side.